As I was saying...

*Trigger warning - discussion of sexual assault and rape*

This post is a continuation from last week's blog. 

Okay, where was I? Oh yes... Sam Pepper... He essentially made a living off of sexually harassing women on the street, posting it to YouTube and somehow collecting far far too many likes and views.

Why does this happen? In fact, why do we let this happen? Why does it take so long for someone like Sam to get called out and why are there people running to defend him?

Because things like the Jennifer Lawrence nude pictures "scandal" can happen. Where a woman's privacy is violated, her naked body violated, put up for all to see as if it were a toy, a tool for other people's pleasure before her own. And what do people say? "I guess she shouldn't have taken those pictures." "I guess she shouldn't have left them somewhere where someone could so easily break the lock." 

It sounds a lot like " She shouldn't have worn that skirt"  or "that top". "She shouldn't have been out at night, drinking, with a crowd like that, because what did she expect?" What do you expect when you don't keep your body locked and hidden away like some expensive piece of jewelry you only wear on special occasions. The necklace you only wear for the really important people to see. But be careful, because when you flash your money around what do you expect but for people to try to take it?

But this isn't money or jewelry or some valuable object. These are our bodies, ourselves, beyond value. Not something meant to be bought and sold or stolen. Not for anyone to see or touch except ourselves and the people with whom we choose to share them. They do not tarnish when touched by too many hands or when worn too often. 

Our bodies are inseparable from ourselves. They are extensions of our thinking, emotional selves. We can share ourselves, show ourselves, interact with the world. But when you lay claim to our bodies, touch our skin or judge these vessels with words meant to control, you do so to more than the sinews, the bones and the flesh that you obsess over so much. 

Those women on the street are not baubles for people like Sam to peruse, to try on or assess. They are human fucking beings.

So this is the meaning of rape culture. That women's bodies can be compared to objects. Used to sell products. Used to help someone get off. Considered something that others have the right to examine and judge. Something that others can own, and therefore steal, and should be protected and hidden.

Something that loses value the more that it's used. So that when someone enjoys their body, wears it proudly every day, shares it with people without shame, they are derided and told, with disgust, to put it away.

And the girls who do cover up. The careful and slow ones that need to know themselves completely long before inviting anyone else in. Well, they are misers keeping their gold ferreted away. They aren't sharing, which is selfish. How dare they think their bodies belong to themselves.

And so, as the cliché goes... We are damned if we do and damned if we don't.

What about men? What about boys? You guys should be fighting, not just a culture that demeans half its population but a culture that portrays you like curs. A culture that tells its little girls to watch out for men. "All men are dogs." "They only want one thing." "They'll take advantage whenever they can." 

I always think it's funny when men complain about feminists for putting them down. Meanwhile we're out there fighting the very system that portrays men as less than human.  

I've seen men balk at the notion that they should be responsible for preventing rape. That teaching men not to rape is insulting. Then they complain that they're portrayed as big bad wolves. But by telling us that the burden falls on women to defend ourselves, they're telling us that we should be afraid. 

I'm sick to death of "boys will be boys" and "they can't help it, what can you do?" Tell your son he can't control these feelings he has. Tell him he can't help but do anything he can to fulfill these desires. Then look your daughter in the eyes and tell her "you can't teach someone not to rape," as if any of you even tried.

I hear them argue on the news that it's up to women to defend themselves, that they should carry weapons and prepare to fight because these men would rape regardless of what they're taught. Rapists are criminals lurking in the shadows. But really most are the people we know and we trust. Not stalking us at night and breaking into our homes - they're the ones that walked us from work, the ones we invited in. That little boy, your son, who you didn't teach that "only yes, means yes." The boy that heard you say "what did she expect?" when they reported that date rape on the news.

I've been told to my face that it would be entirely my own fault if I were raped when not wearing enough clothes or dancing too suggestively or putting myself around intoxicated men.  That wives can't be raped because they're assumed to be willing. Because "it's genetic for men to want sex, so it's not their fault."

As if all men are predators. Oh, how I hate that word. It plays people for fools with the comparisons it makes.

If you leave your food out on a camping trip or go out unprotected where you know wild animals live, is it really so surprising when you're mauled by a bear, a wolf or a wild cat? Is it really the bear's fault when he's only doing what's in his nature?

And so what about "sexual predators"? Is it really their fault when you tempt them like that?

The problem is that they're not predators out looking for lunch. For the most part, they are human beings. And the only thing we have as humans, really, is our ability to use reason and emotion to overcome our basic desires and instincts. So, no, the two things don't compare unless you want to argue that half the population are slaves to an outdated genetic trait. That half of the population is less than human. Then remember who said it, and stop blaming me.

So what can we, regardless of gender, do to start making things better for everyone?

Stand up and speak out. Stop being afraid of labels as benign as feminist and white knight. Call people out, because silence is deadly. Especially in a world where silence is currently equated with agreement and consent. 

Teach your girls and boys to respect each other, not to fear or control one another. Teach them about their bodies.

And learn about yours. 

Women, know your bodies so you can better know how to speak up. So you can ask and participate and give full consent. Or confidently say no. So you never are made to feel ashamed in your own skin.

Men know your bodies so that they can be used to give pleasure and not pain. So you can learn better control and share in your partners enjoyment and not just your own. And so you also can give full consent and also feel confident saying no.

Because open discussion between all genders can only create understanding. Instead of being ashamed or ignorant of our bodies we can share them, or keep them, as equals.

Just be open and honest. Share your thoughts. Start debates and discussions. Ask questions if you're not sure you understand. Don't be afraid that people will be angry at you for pointing out an injustice. If they are, it usually means they know something's wrong and are afraid of the change that comes with fixing it.

Change is hard, but it's a hell of a lot easier when we talk and work together.