What do you want to be when you grow up?

I know it is not blog day. I'm sorry. I just watched this amazing lecture by Alan Watts and it touched on a lot of things I've thought about for a long time. Sorry in advance for the rant.

One of the first things we ask children when we meet them is "What do you want to be when you grow up?" 

I hate that question. 

I know it's meant to be an innocuous conversation starter for children, but it's a reflection of our career-obsessed culture. Because "What do you want to be?" really means "what job do you want to have?" As in the job you have is "what you are."  

It implies that they aren't something already. It implies that what they're "going to be" when they grow up is the penultimate decision of their life. It implies that their career is synonymous with their identity. 

Image source: http://www.costumes.net/kids-doctor-costume.html

The reality is that those children will go on to struggle with their identities because they are forced to mitigate their actual aspirations with "career-driven" goals. The reality is that they will pick courses and school programs that they think they "should" take instead of learning what actually interests them. The reality is that it creates a hierarchy of pursuits based on prestige and money. The reality is that most adults still don't know what they want to do with their lives.

And yet those adults will encourage their children to go through the same process all over again.

My job before Emily - Regional Client Services Assistant - is not who I am. My job now - stay-at-home mom, homemaker... whatever you want to call it - is not my identity. That's right, even being a mom. It does not make up all of who I am. Me... my identity... I chose those things. They don't define me, they are choices I've made amongst many others in my life; I define them. 

But when adults meet someone new, what is one of the first things they are asked? 

"What do you do?"

The expected answer being: "I work in an office" or: "I'm an electrician" or: "I'm a student" or God-forbid: "I'm unemployed."

But if you're actually trying to find out more about me, the answer to "What do you do?" is less Regional Client Services Assistant and more:

"Well... I spend as much time as possible with my husband and my daughter, I write fiction, I blog my opinion, I love being outdoors, I bake as often as humanly possible and love giving food to people (not to mention eating it myself), I read and watch TV and lots of other things I can't think of right now. Oh, that's not what you meant? You meant what I do to pay the bills. I didn't realize that was such an interesting topic..."

Seriously... anyone want some butter tarts?

I hate the idea of being "career-driven". That's not to say I think there's anything wrong with working hard for what you want. Career implies a "job". Career implies that you are doing something in order to make money to live. So "career-driven", to me, means working hard to do something, hopefully that you don't hate and maybe even enjoy, provided it pays the bills. I have heard many people say that if there were no monetary incentive, then people wouldn't work. Meanwhile, studies have shown that monetary incentive hurts creativity. 

By posing a child's interests as "career choices", all we are doing is creating an environment of stress and imposing a time limit on a child's self-discovery. Meanwhile, they're just trying to figure out who they are. What they enjoy. What they think is important. All it does is make that discovery harder and more convoluted.

This is my opinion. Live. If something interests you, pursue it. If you find it's not really what you want, that's okay. You've learned something about yourself. You've gained experiences. If what you love to do isn't something that makes a lot of money... do it anyway. You may have to do some part time work on the side, but if you really enjoy what you're doing, it'll be worth it. There's really no limitations. I have a few friends that chased the things they enjoyed and ended up doing things they love. I mean, really, it can be anything. People make a living playing video games and posting videos to the internet. If you love it, do it.

So let our kids find out what they love. Don't tell them they can be whatever they want and subtext it with... but aren't doctors and lawyers and engineers amazing and oh my don't they make a lot of money. Don't praise their artwork and then say what a great "hobby" it would be and too bad a career as an artist isn't likely to work out. If it doesn't work out, they will adapt. Just encourage them to keep doing what they love. They'll decide whether it's worth continuing. As long as they don't start out from the beginning with the notion that it's not even a valid option.

So what's a better question than "What do you want to be when you grow up?" 

I would say, just ask them what they love to do. Now. Today. Finding out what they enjoy now is much more valuable than trying to make them narrow down the interests they're going to have twenty years in the future. It also shows respect for the child. It tells them, I'm interested in knowing who you are now. What you love now is valuable. Your interests are important.

Hell, even adults could benefit from hearing that every now and then...