This isn't really what I was planning for my return to the blog. I was planning to do a piece on Children's Book Week. But then I read this article on ESPN about the image we portray on social media vs reality, and I knew I needed to talk about it. For myself. For the people who don't get it. In some attempt, however small, to use social media to portray the truth. To try to encourage others to do the same. To stop discouraging others from hiding their feelings.
For those who didn't read the article, it is about a promising young athlete at Penn State who committed suicide. Like many stories we hear, no one expected it. Her social media accounts showed a girl who was successful and happy. This is the focus of the article. The reality this young woman was living, and the one she was depicting were not the same. This same girl, however, could not see that this is true of everyone. That the happiness and success she saw in her peers' pictures were not the complete truth of their lives. She wasn't the only one struggling. This is not a fault of hers - she was clearly suffering from depression, recent or otherwise - and I think it's something that we need to talk about as a society participating in and consuming social media on a large scale.
I want to point out that I don't think this the fault of social media. It is a device. Any harm that comes from it stems from those using it. That's us. Our ideas about self-expression. Our misconceptions about mental health. Our obsession with "positivity".
And in order to talk about this fully, to really make a point, I am going to use my own personal experiences to break this down.
I'm not sure many people know this, but growing up... I hated myself. I felt isolated. I felt depressed. I felt inadequate. I was told and believed I would never find anyone to love me. My peers always talked about how happy I was. How I must have the perfect life at home because I had good grades. That I must have it easy. When they said something "jokingly" mean to me, they followed it up with: "Be nice, she probably goes home and cries herself to sleep."
I laughed, but it was often true. How could I tell them that? How could I complain when I had it so "good"?
As I got older, the feelings intensified. I thought about suicide. I hurt myself. I told no one.
When I was in high school, "emo" culture was at its height. I probably heard jokes about suicide and cutting on a daily basis. I heard friends talk about how people who self-harm are just looking for attention. How they needed to just grow up. So I kept my mouth shut and hated myself for being weak. For being an attention-seeking whiner. The couple of times I mentioned it I was met with looks of disgust and told I better "Get happy" or "That's messed up, just stop."
Now the people who are reading this... my friends and family... how many
of you are upset by this? How many of you are embarrassed for me? How many of you are horrified that I
would share something so personal? How many of you are thinking that I
need to just stop complaining, grow up and move on?
THAT is exactly the
problem.
Fortunately for me, over the past few years I've been able to acknowledge my problem. To accept it. To stop blaming myself for it. I've learned to love myself. I'm not saying things are perfect. Some days are a struggle. But the fact is that I did not choose to be unhappy. While learning how to think positively can help, "positivity" is not always a choice and doesn't come naturally to everyone. And making the choice to seek help can feel impossible (though I encourage anyone who feels this way to please talk to someone and seek professional help if you can, I'll post links below.)
This brings me to social media. Since having Emily, I spend a lot of time alone with her. Some days are intensely frustrating and I feel the need to vent. To just say... Today has been a rough day. To feel like some human being somewhere knows what I'm dealing with. When it's 3 am and I haven't slept and no one else is awake... I often resort to Facebook. The moment I hit post, I feel a little less tense. Until the next day, when I am skimming the news feed and see countless posts about how people need to shut up and stop complaining. Challenges to not complain for a month. Comments about how people are so narcissistic for thinking anyone cares about their life. Then I start to regret my post.
But you know what? I'm calling bullshit. What are these posts telling people? They're saying: "I don't care how you feel. So don't tell me." They're saying: "Feeling negative is wrong and you should just stop." They're saying: "If you think anyone cares about your life, you're wrong."
Now look me in the face and tell me you don't understand why these people didn't reach out. Why their social media pages didn't reflect their true feelings. I'm not trying to cast blame on anyone, I'm simply pointing out a contradiction in our societal views of self-expression.
And what is social media for if not to express ourselves? To connect with other human beings? If you really only want to hear the positive things, see the superficial images people portray, the fiction of people's lives... then what's the point? What kind of connection is that? How can you complain about models being photoshopped in magazines but expect everyone else to edit their emotions, their stories, their self expression?
The next time you read someone's post and you think, "What a whiner." or "That person is always complaining." or "What an attention seeker." do me a favour. Really think about what that means. Why has this person resorted to Facebook to express themselves? Even if they are cutting themselves for attention, why do they feel so desperate for someone to notice their pain? Why do they always seem so negative? Maybe this person needs help. Instead of thinking about how having to skim past that little post on your feed is such an inconvenience, maybe take two seconds to ask if everything is okay. They'll feel better knowing someone cares about them and you'll probably feel good knowing you reached out.
Imagine for just a moment that happiness doesn't come easily to some. Just like art, music or math aren't natural for everyone. That even asking for help can seem an insurmountable task. Think about how your exasperated post about how people cause their own negativity might make them feel.
And don't forget to ask yourself why what they've posted upsets you so much. Why another person expressing their emotions, telling their stories, makes you feel uncomfortable. Maybe there's some truth you need to accept too. Maybe you're frustrated with your own inability to express yourself. With the same limitations you want to place on others. Maybe it's genuinely hard for you to understand and you need a new perspective.
For those who feel alone, who are having a bad day, or struggling with depression... you are absolutely not alone and not at fault. I know that happiness is not a switch. Neither is anxiety. You don't just "stop" having a panic attack or hurting yourself or having suicidal thoughts. You shouldn't feel guilty for having a bad day. You can eventually learn how to focus on the positive, to turn worries into hopes, but you might have to ask for help first. And that's okay. Sure, we are responsible for our own actions, but that doesn't mean those actions are all easy for everyone. Take it one step at a time, even if that means telling the world what a shitty day you had today. But we can all help by accepting that people's lives are made up of the good and the bad. By refusing to give into the pressure to only show the good.
I'm not saying everyone needs to share everything about their lives, not everyone would feel comfortable sharing what I did. What I am saying is that we shouldn't make the people who choose to feel ashamed for doing so.
If you need help, here are some great resources to get started. These people are there to listen, to help, and they want you to call if you need to.
Canada:
http://www.mentalhealthhelpline.ca/
http://depressionhurts.ca/en/default.aspx
http://toronto.cmha.ca/mental-health/find-help/are-you-in-crisis/
International:
http://togetherweare-strong.tumblr.com/helpline
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