Happy New Year (a few weeks late...)

Alright... it's 2015 and I'm back. A little later than I anticipated but here I am nonetheless. In keeping with the theme of New Year and change, my little one finally seems to be changing her night habits. I am up much less in the night with her which means more sleep for me (YAY!), but also less late night blogging sessions. I still have time to write, but I've spent the last couple of weeks taking time to relax and to really think about where I want to go from here.

The traditional New Year's practice is to create resolutions - goals for the year ahead. This year, I want to shift the focus slightly. Instead of contemplating my future and the person I want to become, I want to first figure out who I am now. I believe that goal setting is a very useful tool and that humans are constantly changing, but I also believe that we're often so preoccupied focusing on our "desired self," that we take for granted the person we are in the present. How do we set goals for ourselves when we don't really know what we want? What we enjoy? What makes us happy?

I think we often resort to setting goals we believe we should set: to lose weight, to meet more people, to finish those renovations. If we work towards these goals without really understanding why, without genuine attachment, it isn't so surprising when we fail. Or worse, when we succeed and are still left unfulfilled. If we take the time to get to know ourselves by delving deeper into our desires - "Why do I want to lose weight?" or "Why am I unmotivated to finish this project? What would I rather be doing? What makes me feel motivated?" or even "What makes me happy?" - we can set more meaningful goals and appreciate who we are, instead of always focusing on some unrealistic goal of who we want to be.

Personally, I tried to lose weight for years. I was insecure and hated my body, and I thought that if I lost weight I would begin to love myself. The truth is, my self-hatred had very little to do with my body and more to do with my self esteem and confidence. As I came to love myself and become more confident, regardless of my body, I was able to eat healthier and ended up losing weight as a result. It's hard to take care of someone or something you have negative feelings towards. When I finally took the time to meditate on myself and separate who I was from the "should be's," I felt much more fulfillment from my choices, accomplishments and even failures.

So that's what I've been focusing on over the holidays. Who am I right now? What do I want right now?

Of course, I don't have all the answers. There are some things that I've thought about a lot, and some that are very relevant to the future of this blog:

• I am madly in love with my husband and daughter. They make me incredibly happy, excited, challenged and comfortable. I love spending time with them. I have plenty of thoughts and opinions about being a mom, but I decided a long time ago that isn't what I want to write about (unless relevant to another topic I'm discussing). Blogging is a place where I get to explore the parts of me that sometimes get left behind during my busy days being Mama.

• I have a passion for food. I like to eat, sure, but it's more than that. I love to cook. I love to bake. I love to learn about food from around the world, to experiment in the kitchen, and to feed other people. I want to pursue this further, but whether this means simply spending more time in the kitchen, creating recipes, or even blogging about it... I'm not sure yet.

• I still love to read. I want to always be reading at least one book. Daily if possible. And out loud when I can. I enjoy rereading books a lot more than I realized.

• I am a dedicated anime fan. I have seen over a hundred movies and shows. There are plenty more that I want to watch. I intend to make time for an episode or two a day. I intend to be more open about my interests, even if people don't understand them. Again, I still have to decide if there is a way I can pursue this interest further.

• I don't have one passion or interest. I have many interests and I want to try lots of things. I want to talk about many topics. I want to engage in a variety of activities. I am someone who enjoys being busy, but I have to carefully balance my time if I want to enjoy everything. And I have to rest.

• Finally, the one that is most relevant to this blog: I still enjoy writing. I don't want to stop, but the reality is that I can't continue the way I would like in my current situation. So I have to limit myself. I have to choose which projects stay, and which go. I don't want to delve into projects only to leave them unfinished. I don't want to drag out a project and therefore hurt its quality.

So what does this mean for the future of Idlewild? Honestly, I'm not completely sure yet. The fact is that Idlewild started out as a platform for my writing and a way to encourage me to write regularly through posts and short stories. Though I fully intend to keep writing, I don't feel confident that I can produce work to send into publishers at this time. Like I said above, I want to dedicate myself fully to those endeavours - but my family needs me right now. I will still write, but I do not want to set unreasonable goals for myself that lead to frustration. I refuse to put myself in a situation that will create resentment towards my family or my writing.

Blogging is something I feel I can dedicate myself to since posts are generally quicker to write than fiction and they often jive with my other interests (books, television, anime etc). However, I am not certain that its current format - incredibly varied and broad topics/ posts - are appealing to anyone but me. Perhaps I will reign myself in and narrow my content. Then again, I need to remain true to myself as a person who has always been intrigued by a variety of subjects. Perhaps there is a middle ground.

Anyway, like I said, I don't have all the answers today. For now, I will continue posting on Sundays and will add creative content whenever I have the chance. Just don't be surprised if you notice some changes in the upcoming weeks. To everyone reading this, and to everyone who has read my past posts and even participated with me in the comments here and on Facebook, thank you. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and 2015 is going well so far! See you next week.